The now (in)famous CrackerBarrel incident...

[sedstar]

i must have been about 30 or not much more then. My (now ex) old lady? She suddenly one weekend declared she wanted to go to the gun show. Yeah, right... i thought and said. Why? Where IS the gun show? It was the BIG one... the gigantic once a year one...

no, i said... i know you get bored, we only have the weekends, and i will want to be there for hours comparison shoppig all the tables... and waiting till near the end when prices of heavy items fall fast to save on gasoline.

Its your birthdy honey, she said... you can stay ALL day, i'll help you carry heavy boxes of stuff out.

WOW... this day couldnt get any better, i thought. i found special dies i wanted, i found reloading manuals i wanted used, nd really a HUGE gun show used to be where to get the deals on empty brass and large boxes of lead projectiles. (lead was so cheap back then, unless you were homeless, there was no need to cast, lol)

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on the hour drive UP... i vaguely felt the feeling, that i might have to "go"... eh, it went away. I am not one of those people that is inordinately concerned with TRAINING their @$$ to "go" at a special time every day. My PARENTS were like that. You had to GO at a special time every morning. If you couldnt prove you WENT, they were concerned and talking about it.

you LIED and pretended you "went", or, you risked an ENEMA. (had an enema once, before kindergarten, hated it...)

there are thngs our parents are concerned with? We VOW never to be concerned with. Neat parents? Messy children when they go out on their own! Nice dressing parents? If they drive the kids nuts about it, it usually skips a generation.

i should point out that i was adopted, so, my parents were 20 years older than everyone else's my age. THIS generation (this generation is in the old folks homes now... the workers will TELL you, they are very concerned with their POO. They think they will get sick if they dont "go" at the proper time every day.)

medically, this is left over "folk medecine". Its RIGHT up there with old wives tales like if a pregnant woman gets scared bad enough, where she touches herself, is where the birthmark will be on the child born.

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My parents were concerned with POO. Fascinated with it. You were supposed to train your @$$ thoroughly, such that you "go" each and every morning, at the appointed TIME. This was so you could go at HOME, where you were SUPPSED TO, else you risk "getting somthing" going elsewhere.

so... did you go TODAY? AT the correct TIME? What was the consistency? SHouldnt be too loose, nor too hard. Did it float or sink? What was teh COLOR? Green is only good for babies, black is bad. SHouldnt be too big, nor too small.

just in case you were remiss in your training of your spinchter, there was a cupboard full of @$$ remedies to help you out. Enemas ("fleet" brand was moms favorite), exlax, kaopectate, enzyme tablets... my parents had whole SHELF i th medecine cabinet dedicated to the holy @$$ and its proper training of it.

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now, here i should mention my adopted father is German. (I'm irish.. my dads sister and her husband took me in when in the crib when the parennts passed....)

The Irish, are a happy go lucky lot. germans? Not so much... I can envisio the reason for 2 world wars... those BARBARIANS were liekly not training their sphincters properly, and not wiping their @$$ correctly, othihg to be done about it but have 2 world wars over it.

Now my adopted german father was a great man. Work ethic bar none, thorough, swell guy. But really, he had OPINIONS on toilet paper too. It should rolll off from the TOP over... not just from the bttom from the back, you know.

i used to get yelled at and lectured for using too much toilet paper per wipe, and wiping too many times. My father had one of the first (expensive in those days) calculators for home use... he could tap out the price ad number of sheets, and show how much i wasted.

you have to wipe your bum efficiently, not only thoroughly.

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so, you have the background for this. As an adult? I could give a 3 flying sh!ts, when the last time i went was. I dont know... i dont CARE. I didnt GO today? one less thing to do. i can "go" ANYwhere! Oh the horrors. A turd in th bushes. How will the environment recover?

paper? When i still USED a holder? I deliberately made it run from the back off the bottom. Called my dad once on the LOO to tell him so he could chuckle. NOW? I'm positively off the reservation THERE i tell you.... I just buy a large pack of poo paper, and a roll (or two or three...) sit "wherever".

people, be sensible.... it need not be antiseptic.... you are going to wipe your@$$ with it... literally!

i hate going. Its filthy, nothing too be DONE about it though. But... theres now sh!t on me! I want to wipe if OFF. I want a lot of paper, too. I rap it around my hand, i dont wnt sh!T on my hand!

I wipe a few extra times, too. Toilet paper is cheap... i buy large packs of it. I have enough to go around. If the CAT wants to PLAY with it, and run a roll off? have it... plenty more where THAT came from, you know. I put a roll in every vehicle i own... just in case.

I'll habe NONE of this german "two squares, three at most" stuff my dad endeavored to teach me... rap your hand in it! Do it as many times as you feel makes you clean! Flush and do it again if you think theres any left!

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so... you now know where i am coming from. On the drive UP to the gun show? Idle chatter as i mentioned feeling "something" inside... the old ady 2was once again talking about "the great POO". Really, she is half german... so it makes sense. SHE must have had her first "cannonball" and sweated a bit... and was concerned.

She tried to elaborate how bad it was... i played it off.

She asked... when i WENT last. I laughed, and told her all about MY parents... and how i didnt care! But... i really cuoldnt come up with a DAY? Humm. It HAD been a while... but, it hardly mattered.

got a pickup truck of lead pills and books i wanted at the gun show.... on the way back? I decided t take the old lady to cracker barrel. I ordered my food... and excused myself to the LOO, to make the POO. (it seemed perhaps time...)

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i now KNEW i had to go... but it wasnt coming. I sat there... i grunted, i pushed, weird cramps came and went... it was painful. Oh well... i have not gone for a few days before... and produced the "cannonball" before... it happens. This was NOT like that. SOmething was gong on, that i had never experienced before.

I was so "full" i KNEW i had to go, but i couldnt! perhaps this could wait? No... sooner begun, sooner done... after 15 mnutes of hard, steady grunting and pushing, a slight movement was detected... eventually, something POKED air...

NOW i did it... i was fully committed. I could now not LEAVE. I had burned my ship... i would win or perish. Every 5 minutes of the MOST intense pushing and straining and grunting i could MANAGE, would produce the most imperceptible movement outwards.

I started groaning and making noise, eventually like i was lifting weights... i was PUSHNIG on the stall walls, and they were buckling. I felt like hercules blind, straining at the pillars!

People came in, went, and HURRIED out. I was frightening children in the stall, and grown men that frightened easily. ABout a half hour in, i discovered that if i strained and puched and grunted too the extent i SAW STARS, slight movement you would need a micrometer to measure occurred.

I got "stuck". With MUCH too much of a "tail", so, i couldnt leave. I took some paper, to see if i could "push" it back in? Ha, NO WAY. It was too big. This was ridiculous.... i relaxed and pushed in waves... finally got there. I REALIZED now, how people die on the LOO! I was faint, sweating... seeing stars and panting... i was in danger of passing out.

I heard the "drip... drip... drip" and instantly knew i was bleeding. I knew i couldnt g to the emergency room like THIS.... literallly a FOOT long thing coming out of me. How could i walk out like this, pants down, wth a brown tail a hrse would be proud of? people were eating!

i was already beeding, and there was MORE to this, and it was bigger. I could sort of feel it now. ALl the cramps and pain all day? It had been this gigantc THING moving around the corners of me bowels... rather like trying to 3-point turn a jumbo jet inside a cessna hangar!

I was slowly DILATING, and basically giving birth.

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eventually, the SLOW final movement finally occurred. It started INCHING out, millimeter by millimeter. I FINALLY felt "relief coming" as the constant pain started to abate.... then it suddenly STOPPED again. and it stopped cold!

oh lord... another LARGE section attached? I ddnt know if i could TAKE that. I was surely going to DIE here. I was going to bleed out me bum, and go faint, and never wake up!

finally, i stood up?

i LIFTED myself off of it.... literally.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

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i stood back and looked at what i had created, nay, what God hath WROUGHT.

shaped like a gigantic ice cream cone. rather resembled a cartoon versio of a cavemans club. It was at least 12 INCHES above the SEAT. Sweet cracking christ.....

the big end, there was no WAY it was gong to flush, but i tried gamely... water just ran around it and filled up and slowly trickled past. No way...

I was more concerned with all the bleeding. Wiping was not possible, not necessary. There was no browen dirt left... it had been far too hard. I tried to break it in two, with paper wrapped around me hand... nothig doing. Had the consistency of WOOD.

but the bleeding? I couldnt even wipe the blood of my @$$... my whole hand would go in no problem. I felt violated... because i had been.

The blood flow was dripping and streaming... good... no arterial flow, i would live. I balled up a alrge ball of paper, and rather set it into the gaping MAW that was what had once been me poor bum.

if i had a ladies tapon? The little cucumber that xpands to fill any opening up and seals watertight? I would have used it... perhaps two side by side. My underwear was bloody like i was a woman.

I took a five minute rest, andwent back to the table.

The old lady wanted to know where i had been? How long i asked? Amost an HOUR in total !!!! I explained in hushed tones what had occurred, and how i was not exaggerating.... she explained THIS had happened to her, that was why she was talking about "the great poo". Had gone to the doctor, and gotten medication for it!

Stool softners!

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i refused them. I am not taking medication to GO... the medication to STOP going. I wont take allergy medication, aspirin, cold remedy... nothing. no WAY am i going to become addicted to various drugs to go and not go.... THATS the beginning of the end, in my book.

I looked at what i left behind me. The water was so dark red, it looked like you slit a mans throat over the loo. The very SEAT was rubbed in what was obviously blood. Blood was dripped around the floor, where i stood up to clean and compose myself.

They might well call the POLICE, there was enough blood for a possible crime scene.

I was too embarassed to call someone. WOuld i get sued? WHo would clean it? Who COULD clean it? They were going to have to LIFT out this... this... THING.... and it was gigantic, and quite heavy.

I TRIED to lift it out to the garbage, but... too heavy.

this was no "bread bag" operation, this was going to require a garbage bag. perhaps a SAW to make it easier to handle smaller pieces, like you do with a LOG. And all the BLOOD? No... i left and tried not t draw attentin to myself.

i shant try to describe the smell. It defied description.

would i get sued? Would i have to answer to the police for all the blood? I just triedn to blend in and act like nothin happebed...

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i slowly ate my cold food, but, i REALLY wasnt interested in food. I left a very geerous tip, and tiptoed out to go home.

took me a day or two to recover. verytime i "went" for a week or two, i was worried... but it never happened again. Not to THAT degree, just the occasioal 2 or 3 day cannonball.

THAT was my adopted german fathers revenge on me, i suppose. For neglecting to train my @$$ properly all my life, and blasphemig about all my misdeeds my whole adult life, laughing.

[jdk1]

Thanks for sharing that sedders

[PESCA]

Is this what's known as toilet humour

George

[sedstar]

I swear by the almighty himself, i am not exaggerating in ANY way.... this happened.

glad it happened when i was young and healthy... in old age? With a weak heart? Yeah, this could kill you.

[rodp]

I know I shouldn't laugh at someone's obviously very distressful misfortune but I did, all the way through that. I could picture it in my mind, the pain, the panic, the embarrassment, ......................................... then laughed some more

can't help it


To be honest, knowing I shouldn't have laughed reminded me of an incident at work some years ago.
I worked at a truck main dealers and one of my oppo's was jacking up the back of a loaded 16 tonner. . Anyhow, he hadn't quite got the trolley jack right under the diff, it was under just enough to start the lift. As the wheels just started to leave the floor the jack shot out handle first and hit him square in the middle of the brow. It knocked him out from under the truck and flat on his back. we all rushed over to make sure he was still alive (he was) and help him up. As he stood up and took his hands away from his head you could actually see the lump growing on his brow
I've never laughed so much in my life, I was collapsed on the floor (along with several others). This whacking great egg just kept getting bigger You'de have thought that any minute now an alien was going to erupt from his brow

Truck garage humour, ya got to love it

[sedstar]

an alien from his brow?

had a little green alien crawled out of my @$$ in teh crackerbarrel restroom, i shant have been any worse surprised than i already was...

[Gloop]

Well as I have been a tad busy to come on what with one thing and the other I now pop in and come across this. Oh deary deary me. Luck of the Irish do you think?